“Rat Race Brain”

We all know it.  That feeling that you’re on a hamster wheel.  And we often are.  But there’s also that phantom hunch that, even when there’s nothing in particular to race to, you still SHOULD be racing.   I’ll never forget taking the bar exam however many years ago (that dreadful multi-day attorney licensing exam you have to study months for in advance) and walking out, thinking “why am I still feeling like such a spaz!? Shouldn’t I finally feel HAPPY now!?” I had expected to feel such RELIEF afterwards!  After all, it was DONE!  I’d crossed over!  And then realizing (womp, womp) that coming down from the adrenaline, the hustle, is actually more of a gradual detox process.  And so it has been with this adventure.  I expected that, the moment the plane took off, I’d be that new version of myself I’m always seeking.  Fresh, free, less burdened, we have arrived.  But no.  I felt harried, worried about Luca’s sleep and my own, thinking through all the sh*t we undoubtedly forgot or left undone, and vaguely wondering if those feelings would ever end.  Well, I’m happy to report that they have receded a little more in waves.  There is no crossing over, to be sure.  Juan and I always joked on our round-the-world trip a few years ago - “new country, and damn, some old me” or some version of “different country, same problems” as time went on and we realized that - though new surroundings can be a brief reprieve, and fertile ground for change - true life change and self-improvement takes more dedicated work than just a change in surroundings. But the detox from rat race brain, which is slowly beginning - not to mention a sunny beachside - sure does help.